


what if we ruin it all, and we love like fools?

by Splashy



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Angst, F/F, Sorry Not Sorry, like. seriously, this fic is sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21542791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Splashy/pseuds/Splashy
Summary: It all comes down to a choice
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	what if we ruin it all, and we love like fools?

**Author's Note:**

> please don't kill me for this
> 
> sorta based on the song Fools by Lauren Aquilina
> 
> to all those who have hurt me with their fics
> 
> this one's for you

This was not how Alyssa pictured her day going.

When she was told they would be making peanut brittle in class, she didn’t think much of it. She was working with someone in her class she sort of knew (Kaylee and Shelby were working together), and things were going fine.

Until they weren’t.

One moment she was heating the peanut brittle and the next moment...it exploded, covering her and Kaylee and the table. And all she could do was stare. She glanced up, noting the eyes all on her. She struggled to fight the rising blush but knew there was no use. Hopefully the peanut brittle covered it up.

The room was silent for a moment until people started laughing. She looked back down as the teacher came over. He told them they could go and get themselves cleaned up. Her lab partner rushed ahead, desperate to get the peanut brittle out of her clothes, and she followed behind more slowly. 

At one point, she glanced up and caught the eye of someone watching her. Of _Emma_ watching her. That surprised her a little. Especially when Emma gave her a small smile. Alyssa couldn’t stop the corner of her mouth from going up a little before she looked away, continuing her walk out of the class. 

Later, after she had changed - into her cheerleading uniform which made her a little self-conscious, but it’s not like she had any other choice - and gone back to class, she found she couldn’t pay attention. Her mind kept wandering to the peanut brittle incident. How had she even managed that? One moment things had been fine, and the next…

She shook her head to clear her mind. She needed to stop thinking about it. It had happened, and there wasn’t anything she could do about it. She just needed to move forward. Sure, there would be people talking about it, but eventually, people would grow bored and move on. 

Alyssa breathed out a sigh of relief as the bell rang. She packed up her things slowly, not really wanting to go to her next class which she also had with Kaylee and Shelby. They’d surely question her on what the hell happened and she didn’t feel like dealing with that. 

By the time she had finished, everyone had already left. Or...almost everyone. Emma was still there, by the door. Alyssa walked over and was just about to pass her when Emma spoke up.

“Y’know, I have to admit that’s pretty impressive. Blowing up peanut brittle? I didn’t think you had it in you.” She smiled at her and Alyssa found herself returning it before she even processed what was happening. She gave a little shrug.

“I still don’t know how it happened. One moment things were fine, and the next...I was covered in peanut brittle. And now I have to walk around for the rest of the day in this…” She pulled at her uniform a little, making a face.

“At least the day is almost over.” Before Alyssa could say anything in response, the warning bell rang over their heads and Emma winced. “Anyway, I shouldn’t make you late for class. See you around?”

“Yeah. See you,” Alyssa said quietly as Emma walked away, heading to her class. She stared for a moment before walking to her own class, knowing she couldn’t speak a word about this conversation to anyone.

\---

It was only halfway into October, and already this school year was off to a bad start. Emma had just gone to her locker to put her stuff away, but she stopped as soon as she saw it. And what was written on it.

It was covered in slurs. She took one look at it before she bolted, away, to the only safe place she knew that she had.

The band closet.

She goes in, closes the door behind her, and heads to the back of the closet, her backpack slumping to the ground as she goes. At first, she sits on a crate, but it’s not long before she’s up and pacing the small space.

She doesn’t understand why they all have to be this way. It was only October! And she had a whole other year to get through after this one. Why couldn’t they just leave her alone? It’d make everything better for all of them.

Emma’s thoughts are interrupted by a quiet, hesitant knock on the door. She completely stops and looks over, hew brows furrowing a little. Who..? Did someone know she was in here? But who could know? She shifts her feet a little, wondering what to do, when a voice comes in.

“Emma…? It’s Alyssa...Could, um, could you let me in?”

She stares at the door for a second before walking over and slowly opening it to reveal Alyssa nervously looking at her. 

“I saw what they wrote on your locker. I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve it—any of it.” The words rushed out of her, almost as if she couldn’t control any of it and had just started rambling. “I don’t know why they keep doing this stuff. You’d think they’d be over it by now, but…” Her voice trailed off. Emma was silent for a moment, unsure of what had even happened. She and Alyssa had talked a little here and then, especially after the peanut brittle incident, but it’s not like either of them had sought the other out. So for Alyssa to come and find Emma after what had happened…

She couldn’t help but feel touched. And, to her horror, she felt tears come springing up in her eyes. She couldn’t let them fall though. She would not let Alyssa see her cry.

“I mean, I’ve mostly gotten used to it. It’s just...so early in the school year. Why’d they have to do it _now?”_

“They shouldn’t have done it at all.” The firmness in Alyssa’s voice was enough to send her over the edge, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks. She looked away, desperate to not let Alyssa see, but it was no use. She placed a hand on Emma’s cheek and moved her so she was looking at Alyssa. “You don’t deserve any of this, Emma.”

Emma gave a watery chuckle, wiping her eyes. “Thanks. I’m not...sure if I’ve ever had anyone tell me that. My grandma, probably...But anyone else…” She let out a sigh.

“I’ll tell you that as many times as needed. And...hand me your phone?” Alyssa asked, holding her hand out. Emma looked at her quizzically before setting her phone on her hand. Alyssa took it and immediately went about typing something into it, not letting Emma see what she was doing. When she was finished, she gave a satisfied smile and handed it back. “There. I entered my phone number in your contacts. Text me anytime you want. I want to be here for you, even if no one else will.”

\---

Alyssa sat in between Kaylee and Shelby, looking up to the stage. She wasn’t really sure what to think of this assembly. Honestly, she just wanted to go home. Or maybe to Emma’s house. The two had hung out there a few times before, and Alyssa absolutely loved it. And Emma’s grandma - Betsy - seemed to adore her. 

It was nice. It was the only place she really felt like she belonged, and she wanted to be there as often as she could. Hopefully, this assembly would be over soon. She picked at her nails as she waited for whoever was next to come up to the stage.

And then suddenly Emma was walking up on stage, clutching the neck of a guitar in her hand and looking around nervously. Alyssa noted that she seemed as though she very much did not want to be there, but she took a seat and set about getting ready for her performance. And then she started

Immediately, Alyssa was enraptured. The music flowed from her guitar, and her voice came out freely. And it was absolutely beautiful. At one point, she locked eyes with Emma. And the smile she sent her was enough to warm her entire body, even down to the tip of her toes.

And that is when a thought surfaced. One she had tried to push down, one she couldn’t let herself think about. 

Alyssa had feelings for Emma. Feelings that while she just could not describe, she knew what they were. And they terrified her more than anything else. She couldn’t have these feelings! She’s seen how everyone’s reacted to Emma when they found out. What would it be like if she did too?

She couldn’t be...gay. A lesbian. It couldn’t be true! These feelings were just...just….

Even as she tried to convince herself she wasn’t feeling this way, she knew that wasn’t true. She had feelings for Emma. They scare her, terrify her even, but they’re real. She knows they are, even if she doesn’t quite understand them.

She also knows there’s no way she could ever tell Emma about these feelings.

\---

It was Christmas, and Emma felt as though she simply couldn’t be happier.

Well, maybe she could. If she was with Alyssa...and maybe if her parents could just accept her…

Either way, she was happy. Her grandma had gotten her a new guitar. Before, she’d just been using one from the band room, but now she had her own and she couldn’t wait to try it out. But right now, she was sitting on the couch with her grandma as they watched Christmas movies. This was the most comfortable during Christmas that she’s been in a long time. When she still lived with her parents, she had to go to church and they were always just one comment away from fighting.

But here and now, she was content. She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and after a quick glance at her grandma - who appeared to be engrossed in the movie - she pulled it out to find a text from Alyssa, wishing her a happy Christmas. She smiled and quickly wished her one back.

 **Alyssa:** what are you up to now?

 **Emma:** just watching movies with my grandma. You?

 **Alyssa:** that sounds so nice! I wish I could do that. Sure beats being around family and going to church. I wish I could celebrate Christmas with you, Emma.

Emma can’t stop her heart from pounding away in her chest. She glances at her grandma just in time to see her eyes move away, and she can see the smug look on her face. She swallows and looks back down at her phone, the text message prompting a smile to appear.

 **Emma:** One day.

Even if she and Alyssa never became more than friends - for she certainly had a crush on her, how could she not? - she was sure they’d remain good friends for the rest of their life. There’s no way she’d ever be distant from Alyssa. They’ll be friends forever.

\---

Throughout break, Alyssa found herself constantly hoping that distance will stop her feelings for Emma from growing, though she knows it won’t be that easy. These feelings, even now, don’t seem like they’re going anywhere. With every moment she spends up in her room, texting Emma, she knows these feelings are growing and there’s nothing she can do to stop them.

She just hopes she can still manage to ignore them. She is _not_ about to ruin the best friendship she’s ever had just because she wants to kiss Emma. She’ll ignore them however long she has to. Eventually, they’ll go away. Right? They have to. Alyssa just couldn’t be feeling this way about Emma.

As she goes back to school for the second semester, she realizes this will be harder than she initially thought. But she’s determined not to let Emma find out. Both for fear of rejection and fear of how everyone else would react if they found out. Kaylee and Shelby would surely hate her, and she’d experience the same bullying Emma was put through. And she didn’t know how Emma would react. Chances are she didn’t feel the same way, so she’d just make their friendship weird, so she wouldn’t even have her either. She’d just be alone with no one.

So there’s no way she’ll tell anyone. Especially not her mother. If _she_ ever found out...she doesn’t want to think about that. It probably wouldn’t be good. She’d do whatever she could to try and convince her that she’s just young and confused, and that someone - does she know about Emma? - was putting these ideas into her head. But Alyssa knows these feelings would never go away, even if she wanted to.

And she’s not sure if she wants them to. Sure, it’s hard keeping her feelings hidden from Emma, but they also make her so inexplicably happy. _Emma_ makes her happy. She loves spending time with her and wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

So what if she wants more than what she has? She’ll take what she does have. 

She can’t help but dream for more, though.

\---

Emma knows her feelings for Alyssa have definitely gone past the point of “just friends.” She undoubtedly has a crush on her. And talking via text throughout break only solidified those feelings. But she still knows that there’s no way she could ever tell Alyssa. She’s not going to scare off the only friend she’s had in so long.

It’s early in February, near Valentine’s Day, that Emma invites Alyssa over to her house. It had been a bit before they had the time to do this. Alyssa hadn’t been able to sneak away from her mom or Kaylee and Shelby for a while. But her mom was out at some fancy dinner Alyssa miraculously didn’t have to attend and Kaylee and Shelby were both busy, leaving Alyssa able to spend time at Emma’s house.

When a knock was heard on the door, Emma sprang up from her position on the couch and darted to the door, opening it to reveal Alyssa grinning at her. She smiled back and led her to her room, Alyssa waving to her grandma as they passed.

Once in the confines of her room, she turned to Alyssa. She wasn’t really sure what they should do. She hadn’t really planned this far ahead, she just wanted to spend time with Alyssa. She shifted her feet and scratched the back of her head. “I don’t really have anything planned that we could do…”

“How about we watch a movie?” Alyssa smiled at her and she returned it.

“Okay. Yeah, alright. Sure. Any ideas on what to watch?” Emma asked as she got her laptop and settled on her bed, patting the spot next to her and watching as Alyssa climbed on, sitting beside her. The two were so close, pressed lightly against each other. She swallowed and opened up Netflix.

“We can just scroll through until we find something?” Emma hummed in response.

“Sounds good to me.” 

The two laid there for a few minutes, scrolling through Netflix, until Alyssa shot up, pointing at a movie. “That one!” Emma looked at it then back at Alyssa, chuckling. She had pointed to some movie that Emma was sure would make her cry.

“You sure, Lys?”

“Yes! I haven’t seen it in so long.” Alyssa settled back against Emma, already getting comfortable again. Emma was powerless to go against what Alyssa wanted, so she put the movie on and leaned back. Alyssa immediately curled into her side, resting her head on Emma’s shoulder, and she slowly, cautiously, put her arm around the girl snuggled into her side. She could feel a blush rising on her face but she fought to keep it down. They had watched movies before but had never been this physically close. And the proximity was definitely causing her heart to race.

Emma could hardly focus on the movie. All she could think about was Alyssa pressed against her side. It was most distracting.

She could feel Alyssa every time she shifted, and she could hear with crystal sharp clarity every gasp and sniffle the movie elicited from her. (She was right - it did make Alyssa cry).

After the movie, once Alyssa had dried her tears, Emma was once more at a loss of what to do. But she didn’t mind, and neither it seemed did Alyssa. The two simply lay there, a comforting silence between them. Alyssa was the first to break it, her gaze on Emma’s guitar.

“You should play something!” She turned to Emma, grinning. Emma hesitated a little, but she couldn’t say no to her.

“Alright...um, I have a song that I’ve been working on if you want to hear that…?” she asked nervously as she got up and grabbed her guitar before settling back down on her bed, facing Alyssa. She missed the warmth already.

“Yes!”

Emma hummed in response before starting to play. It was a simple melody, the notes blending into each other easily. She closed her eyes as she played, reveling in the sound. It was a song she’d been working on more and more lately.

When she had finished, she opened her eyes and saw that Alyssa had also closed her eyes, a content little smile on her face. The sight itself caused Emma to smile.

They’re both silent after that, Alyssa eventually opening her eyes and the smile growing. Their eyes meet, and it feels like a bolt of electricity shoots down Emma’s spine. She finds herself scooting closer until they’re once again nearly touching, only this time they’re facing each other.

She’s close enough that she can clearly see Alyssa’s eyes. They’re such a soft brown and she feels as though she could get lost in them forever. Her breath hitches and…

Emma’s faced with a choice. 

She could tell Alyssa how she feels, here and now. And it’d all be over with. Either Alyssa would feel the same, or she wouldn’t and she’d feel disgusted or something and would leave. And she’d lose the only friend she has.

Alternatively, she can keep quiet and just not say anything. Pull back, pretend all of this didn’t happen. Pretend she isn’t crushing hard on her only friend. 

She closes her eyes and she makes that decision.

Emma pulls back, clearing her throat. “I’m going to, uh, put this back,” she mumbles, jerking her thumb in the direction of where she keeps her guitar behind her. She gets up, avoiding Alyssa’s eyes, and puts it back. When she eventually turns back, Alyssa is worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Before Emma can say anything else, she turns to the edge of the bed and gets up.

“I think...I should head back home now. My mom will be coming home soon.” She heads to the door, hesitates a little and looks behind her, smiling and waving goodbye to Emma before she leaves and disappears out of sight.

Emma watches her leave and can’t help but wonder if she made the wrong choice. Should she have told her? Would this have ended badly, or would she still have left? She groaned in frustration. She had no idea, and she would never know. Because there’s no way she’s ever going to tell Alyssa about her crush.

She’ll just have to distance herself. She can’t let this happen again.

As she settles back on her bed, she can only think of how sad Alyssa’s smile was as she left.

\---

Some time has passed, and Alyssa can’t stop thinking about that moment, just a month away, where she so nearly told Emma everything. Told Emma how she feels about her, and how she wants nothing more than to be able to run her fingers through her hair, hold her close, kiss her…

But she didn’t. And it was definitely for the best that she didn’t, she told herself. It would have been absolutely disastrous. Emma surely doesn’t feel the same way, and then things would be awkward between them, and she’d lose her friend. She couldn’t handle that and would do whatever it would take to make sure that doesn’t happen.

And even if Emma _does_ feel the same way...well, that would be disastrous too. What would Kaylee and Shelby say? What would her _mother_ say? They’d have to keep the relationship secret, and that just wasn’t fair to Emma. She deserved to be out and proud, to be with someone who could make her happy no matter where they were.

And Alyssa simply couldn’t do that.

She decides to distance herself from Emma. Just a little bit, not enough to be suspicious. Or, well, she’ll try not to make it too noticeable. But right now, she can hardly look at her without her mind immediately flashing to Emma playing the guitar, and the little smile she had on her face, and how close Alyssa had come to ruining it all…

So every time Emma asks her if she wants to hang out, she comes up with an excuse of why she can’t. Either that her mom wants her to come home a certain time, that she would be home earlier than normal, or that she was going to hang out with Kaylee and Shelby, or she has a lot of homework...whatever it’d take. And she’s sure that Emma’s noticed it, and might even know why. It all started after that time she was at Emma’s house, after all. But she just can’t bring herself to face Emma. Not yet. Soon. Once she’s had time to process everything and her feelings.

Alyssa misses spending time with Emma, but she keeps telling herself this is for her own good. For Emma’s own good, too. She doesn’t want to ruin the friendship she has with Emma. So she’ll do whatever it takes to make sure things stay the same. The way they should stay.

For their own good.

\---

Emma has noticed that Alyssa seems to be avoiding her. And she knows it’s because of what happened during that time she had played something for Alyssa at her grandma’s house. How could it not be? It started happening right after that moment.

She wonders if she should have told Alyssa. Would things have been different? Or would they still be awkward, just even more so than this? It was probably for the best that she never said anything.

But maybe...maybe she _had_ made the wrong choice. What would’ve happened if things had gone differently? If she had told Alyssa? Maybe she feels the same way, and they could be together…

Except they wouldn’t be able to be out and proud. Not in this city. Not in this state! And especially not with her mom there. Mrs. Greene would kill Emma for sure, probably for believing she had “corrupted” her daughter. Whatever. She hadn’t done anything except fallen for her. And besides, she had no idea if Alyssa was gay or not. She’d never said something to say she was anything but straight. 

Either way, she knows something needs to be done. And it seems Alyssa had the same idea, too. Every time she tried to ask her if she wanted to hang out, Alyssa was always busy. The first few times, she didn’t think much of it. They were nearing the end of their junior year, which had been tough all year round, so she didn’t think much of Alyssa telling her she was busy studying. And she was certainly free to hang out with Shelby and Kaylee if she wanted to, even if Emma didn’t exactly approve of them since they didn’t approve of her. But it’s not like she was going to tell Alyssa not to spend time with them.

When Alyssa told her that her mom wanted her home earlier, she started to get a little suspicious. But hey, she couldn’t claim to know everything - or even anything - Mrs. Greene was ever thinking about. So she chalked it up to her just being an overprotective mother. But the more it happened, well...Emma couldn’t exactly blame Alyssa.

So, really, she had the right idea. They needed to spend some time away from each other. She needed to distance herself from Alyssa. 

She knows it won’t last, but this is the best thing she can do right now. To protect herself. To protect both of them. 

Maybe one day things will be different. If they can both get out of this city, out of this state, Alyssa can live her true self. Gay or not, it’s what she deserves. And Emma will do whatever she can to make sure Alyssa gets that. 

\---

Distancing herself from Emma doesn’t last long. For one, Alyssa finds she can hardly stand to be away from her for such a long time. So when Emma asks if she wants to study for finals together, she agrees. Perhaps a bit too eagerly, but really, who was to say?

She now finds herself in Emma’s room, on her bed, a textbook spread out before her and a study guide that she’s looking at. And Emma is nearby, doing much the same. And they’re quiet.

But it’s not an awkward quiet. They’re simply just engrossed in their studying and words don’t need to be exchanged between them. Occasionally one of them will ask a question and the other will answer, but other than those few moments, and the scratch of pencil on paper, it’s silent.

And it’s comfortable. It’s nice being in Emma’s presence again. They had started on opposite ends of the bed but have moved to be closer to each other, until they’re nearly touching. And Alyssa’s not sure if she’s ever felt more at peace.

She thinks about bringing up what happened a few months ago, but she can’t bring herself to. Would it be best to just forget that ever happened? Sometimes she wishes she could. It only made things more awkward after. But if she did bring it up, then things would just get awkward again.

So she’ll stay silent. She won’t say anything, and eventually, things will go back to how they were before that whole mess happened. Everything would be fine. It has to be fine. 

Alyssa glances out of the corner of her eye at Emma. She’s nearly leaning against Alyssa, her brow furrowed slightly as she stares down at the study guide she’s working on. She chews on her bottom lip and Alyssa finds her gaze drawn to her lips. What would it be like to kiss Emma? Are her lips as soft as they look? 

She’s still staring when Emma looks up and raises an eyebrow. She blushes and looks away quickly, looking back down at her textbook. There’s a tension in the room that wasn’t there before, and she’s terrified of breaking it. She’s terrified of Emma breaking it. So she looks down at her textbook, pretends that she wasn’t just thinking about kissing Emma, and tries to read. She can’t focus, but Emma doesn’t have to know that. 

Emma opens her mouth, hesitates, and closes it, looking back down at her textbook. The silence remains as they continue studying. 

And so does the tension. 

\---

Finals are over, and they’ve finished their junior year of high school. Emma just has one more year to get through, and then she can leave this town, this state. She can’t wait. Things have only been getting worse. She wants nothing more than to just be _free._

There’s really only one thing holding her back. Two things, maybe. Her grandma...and Alyssa. She doesn’t know what college she wants to go to, or if her mother will even get much of a choice. All Emma does know is that she’s not going to a college in Indiana. Even if it’s the most LGBT friendly college, or even if Alyssa is there. She is going to get out of Indiana, no matter what it takes.

But that’s still a ways away. She has time until then. Time to spend with Alyssa. With school out of the way, they have a lot more freedom. Sometimes, Emma will take Alyssa in her pickup and they’ll drive out of town, somewhere with people that don’t know her. That don’t know them. 

It’s nice. It would be even better if she would just tell Alyssa how she feels. Then maybe they could truly be themselves in a city that doesn’t know them.

But fear holds her back. Maybe fear will always hold her back. She may never tell Alyssa. 

Alyssa’s laugh startles her out of her thoughts. She looks up and sees the girl now has a bit of ice cream from her milkshake on her nose. Emma snorts. Alyssa turns to her, still grinning, and Emma decides that it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if she never tells her because she’s grateful to just have Alyssa in her life. She’d never trade that for anything.

Emma does wish that she could bring Alyssa to pride in Indy. She’s always wanted to go, but she had no idea if Alyssa is even gay. And it’s not like she was going to _ask._ No, certainly not. But she doesn’t want to go by herself, either. She’s sure that if she asked her grandma, she’d come along, but Emma didn’t really want to do that either. 

One year. One day she’d go. With Alyssa or without. Hopefully with, but...even if not, she just wants to go. And she’ll make sure it happens.

For now, though, she just enjoys the company of Alyssa. She has since cleared the ice cream from her nose, but her eyes still twinkle with laughter in the light. And Emma becomes ever more entranced with her, much as she tries to hide it. And she figures she must do a good job of it, as Alyssa has never questioned why she stares at her just so. 

Sometimes, she catches Alyssa staring, too. And the look in her eyes always makes her heart skip a beat, but the eye contact never lasts long as Alyssa looks away quickly. Often she’ll blush after doing so, and the sight always makes her smile. 

Emma wonders if Alyssa actually _does_ feel the same way. She nearly brings it up a few times, but doubt always creeps in at the last minute and she chickens out. She wishes she just had the courage to tell Alyssa. If she doesn’t do it now, will she ever?

\---

Summer break always seems to last too short a time. June was a blur. Alyssa remembers spending a lot of time with Emma. Whenever she could, she’d sneak away to her pickup and Emma would take them far, far away from Edgewater. However far she could get without raising suspicions if Alyssa didn’t get home at a certain time. 

It was nice, spending so much time with her. But as the middle of July came her mom started getting home a little earlier and would often call her to ask how she was. Alyssa knows she’s just trying to be a good mom and keep an eye on her daughter, but she found it more annoying than anything and started spending less time with Emma. It had been a couple of weeks since she had last seen Emma by the time July started to draw to a close, and school only started a week into August. 

Alyssa was glad to be going into her senior year of high school. But she also knew it would be stressful. For years, her mother has been pressuring her to decide what college to go with. What her first choice would be. And lately, she’s been wanting to go to college not in Indiana. But she doesn’t know where, or if her mom would even let her. She’s talked about some in neighboring states, and her mom was a little hesitant. But she might be able to get away with it.

Either way, no matter where she goes, she already knows what she’s going to major in. What her mother will _make_ her major in.

Alyssa doesn’t want to be a lawyer. It’ll mean going to school for a long time and it sounds so _boring._ She wants to do something else. She doesn’t know what, though, so there’s no chance of convincing her mother to let her major in something else. And she can’t just sneakily input a different major while applying for colleges as no doubt her mother will be looking right over her shoulder as she does them, making sure everything looks absolutely perfect, so there’s no way she’ll be rejected.

It’s exhausting to just think about it. She doesn’t know how she’s going to handle it all when it actually happens, and when she’s going off to college. She wishes she could spend more time with Emma. Just being with her relieves a lot of her tension and stress.

Emma doesn’t know the cause of all her stress. And it would be easy to just say it’s relating to college and the pressure her mother is putting on her...but Alyssa finds herself hesitating at the idea of talking to Emma about college. There’s something that holds her back from bringing it up. Something that tells her that it may not be the best idea.

So she keeps quiet, talking vaguely to Emma every time she asks if she’s okay, and doing whatever she can to avoid her mother. It’s tough, and she wishes she could just relax. The school year hasn’t even started yet. How would she survive that if she could barely handle the stress of just college applications now?

\---

Emma nervously walks into the school building on the first day. Eyes immediately snap to her and she does her best to ignore them as she walks to her locker. Luckily, there isn’t anything spray painted on it yet. A miracle, really. She wishes she could just carry everything in her backpack, but she doesn’t want to break her back. She tried that last year and the weight of her backpack just became too much.

So she opens her locker and puts some stuff away, looking nervously around her. She’s aware of the looks, the hushed whispers, and ignores them. She’s nearly done when she hears a familiar voice coming from down the hall.

She turns and sees Alyssa, along with Kaylee and Shelby, down the hall. They’re talking, though Emma’s not paying attention to what they’re talking about. Her gaze is focused on Alyssa. It’s been a few months since the last time she saw her, and she looks just as good as she remembers. As they pass by her, she locks eyes with Alyssa.

Alyssa smiles briefly at her, quick enough no one but Emma would see. And just that smile alone is enough to get Emma to believe that everything will be okay. She’ll get through this year. She smiles back before turning around and closing her locker. As soon as she turns to step away and head to class, a hand slams against the locker next to her head. She sighs.

“And just what do you think _that_ was? We all saw how you were checking Alyssa out. C’mon, don’t even try to deny it.”

Emma looks up at the person who spoke. Some guy on the football team - she never really cared to learn their names. She just narrows her eyes and scowls at him.

“Fuck you.”

Perhaps not the smartest thing to say, but it was only the first day and she was already so tired. She just wanted to be done. Done with this, done with everything.

The guy practically growls and grabs her by the shirt and slams her against the locker. Her glasses go crooked a little, but she doesn’t pay them any mind as she glares up at the guy. She faintly recalls his name. Kyle, maybe? His first punch hits below her ribs, knocking the air out of her lungs. She winces but retaliates with a punch of her own to his face. Later, she knows her hand will hurt, but right now the adrenaline running through her veins keeps the pain at bay. Kyle’s fist pulls back to land another punch, but a voice breaks out through the chatter of the crowd they’ve accumulated.

“ _Hey!_ ” 

Kyle immediately drops Emma and scatters, along with the crowd, leaving Emma to just slump against the locker, gritting her teeth as the pain starts to set in. 

“Emma? What was that?” Emma looks up as Principal Hawkins comes into view, looking down at her in concern. He looks a little blurry, and that’s when she realizes her glasses fell off her face during the fight. She looks around for them, wanting to delay having to explain that whole ordeal to Hawkins for as long as possible.

She manages to find them, and they’re only slightly cracked. She puts them on and then looks up at the principal.

“Emma?”

“Sorry, sir,” she mumbles, coughing a little. “Won’t happen again.”

“I’m concerned that it happened in the first place. If you ever want to talk, Emma, I’m here.” He holds out his hand and she takes it, pulling herself up. She avoids looking in his eyes as she stuffs her hands in her pockets.

“Sorry,” she says again. “I should get to class.” She grabs her backpack, barely holding herself from letting out a curse as the movement sends a bolt of pain through her, and heads to class.

\---

It’s still only September and already Alyssa’s mother is pressuring her to start applying to colleges. She still has some time, even for early decision, but her mother is insistent. The stress has doubled now that she has school and assignments to worry about, and the only solace she can find it with Emma.

A couple of times each week she sneaks to the band closet during lunch and just spends the lunch period there with her. They eat and just talk about anything, and it’s the most relaxed Alyssa ever feels. She looks forward to it, and if it wouldn’t raise suspicions, she’d do it every day. Even just two times a week is pushing it - Kaylee and Shelby are always a little doubtful as she tells them she’s not going to be at lunch that day. She tells them she’s tutoring someone, but she’s not sure how much longer that excuse will last.

So she makes the most out of what time she does have. 

There are times when the stress is bad enough that as soon as she steps in, Emma is there and holding her close, and she feels like she’s breathed for the first time in weeks. She always sinks into her embrace, hugging her back. 

Sometimes they’ll only stay like that for a little bit, sometimes it lasts minutes. Once it lasted nearly the entire lunch period. She doesn’t ever really want to leave Emma’s arms. She feels the safest and happy there than anywhere else. 

And maybe if she told Emma how she feels, that’ll happen more often. They could just cuddle during their lunch periods or the few times that Alyssa goes to Emma’s house. 

But she could also ruin everything she has, and she can’t handle the thought of losing Emma. So she doesn’t say anything. Things are fine as they are now. Sure, they could have more. But it wouldn’t be that much different, would it? Besides, it’d surely be harder to hide an actual relationship compared to just a friendship. 

So Alyssa stays quiet. It’s all she can do, really. Besides, her mother would kill her if she ever found out Alyssa’s a lesbian. And after everything Emma’s gone through...When Alyssa saw Emma later on the first day of school, she had clearly been in pain. Emma had been hesitant to tell her what had happened, but she’d eventually given in.

And knowing that only happened because everyone already _knows_ that Emma is a lesbian, without her ever having the chance to come out on her own terms...She can’t risk it. She can’t come out and she can’t risk getting a little lazy and someone _else_ finds out.

It’s safer this way. Safer, safer, safer. It’s what she tells herself. She doesn’t know how true it is, but it’s something she can cling to.

Safer…

\---

Emma does the best she can to help Alyssa. She’s not sure how much it really works, but she’s going to do her best. She’d do anything for her. 

She absolutely still has a crush on Alyssa - she’s not sure if it’ll ever go away - but she puts it to the back of her mind tries her best to forget about it. It’s not what matters right now. What does matter is that she’s here for Alyssa, helping her in whatever ways she can.

It seems that, with each day that passes, Alyssa becomes more and more stressed, and she finds herself running out of ways to help her. Multiple times, she finds herself simply holding Alyssa in the safety of the band closet, running her fingers through her hair and whispering softly to her. She doesn’t know if she’ll forget the feeling of Alyssa leaning into her as she relaxes for what must be the first time in days. 

Emma just wishes she could do more. And she wishes this stupid crush didn’t always get in the way. Sometimes her breath will hitch as Alyssa collapses into her arms, burying her head into Emma’s neck. Or she’ll feel herself start to blush and will do her hardest to get it under control before Alyssa sees. Sometimes she’s not sure how successful she is, and she’s sure that Alyssa notices. But if she does, she never says anything.

So she does her best to ignore the feelings. Surely, if she ignores them for long enough, they’ll go away. They have to eventually, right? She’s had them for months now, but they can’t last forever. And once they finally go away, then things can truly go back to normal. And Emma can help Alyssa without her crush getting in the way. She just has to hide it until then.

She doesn’t think she’s that successful, but damn if she doesn’t try her best.

\---

Alyssa is silent as she hears her mother ramble on about how “inappropriate the Thanksgiving parade was this year. Two women, kissing on live TV like that!”

Each word stabs Alyssa’s heart, but she can’t say anything about it. She wonders how Emma is doing. Did she watch it? Does she know that it happened? 

Her mother is still going on about the moment, and Alyssa feels like she’s going to cry, but she can’t react in any way that would make her mother suspicious. So she just has to suck it up and wait until she can be alone, and maybe talk to Emma about it.

Except, even Emma doesn’t know she’s a lesbian. Should she tell her? Or would Emma then assume she has a crush on her? Well, she _does,_ but...Emma can’t know that. If her mom is freaking out about something that happened on TV, there’s no way she’d react positively to finding out Alyssa is a lesbian.

So no, she couldn’t tell anyone. Not even Emma. She could maybe still talk about the kiss on TV with her, but only if Emma brings it up first. And she doesn’t want to say anything about how her mother reacted to it. So maybe it would be best to just not talk about it with Emma at all…

Her mind drifts to a moment, a little over a year ago. The moment Alyssa realized she had a crush on Emma. Has. It still hasn’t gone away, and she doesn’t think it really ever will. Seeing Emma step up onto the stage with her guitar, looking so nervous…

Things were simpler then. She wishes she could go back to that moment, or to the moment in February where she nearly told Emma. Where it seemed like Emma had been about to say something only to back out at the last moment. What if she had said something? What would she have said? Maybe Alyssa should have been the one to say something. But she had also chickened out and said she had to leave.

She wishes she could go back to that moment. One moment, but it seems like it made everything turn upside down. One moment that still affects how everything is now. 

And then she has a thought that makes her pause. Alyssa has never talked about colleges with Emma. And now that she’s applied to all of the ones her mother told her she could...she has no idea where Emma’s going to go. Every time she tried to bring it up she backed out at the last moment. She didn’t want to hear what Emma would say, for surely she would want to be out of state. And it’s not like Alyssa could blame her. If she had much of a choice, she’d do the same thing. 

She applied to a couple of colleges out of state, only neighboring ones, but she had a feeling Emma wanted to go farther than that. And, again, Alyssa couldn’t blame her.

She could only blame herself. Maybe if she had talked to Emma about colleges sooner, things would be a little different. But now…

What if they went to different colleges and never see each other again?

\---

Emma sits on the couch with her grandma, a cup of hot chocolate in her hands, and they’re watching a movie. It reminds her of last year. It was such a simpler time back then, she wishes she could go back to it.

She thinks about how, last year, she promised Alyssa that one day they’d spend Christmas together. She wonders when that’ll be. She wonders if it’ll ever even happen. She hopes it does. Even if they just remain as friends, she just wishes she could spend Christmas with Alyssa.

She debates texting Alyssa, or even calling her, but ultimately decides against it. Alyssa had told her that she’d be with family all day, and Emma didn’t want to risk any of them finding out that she’s been talking to Emma for over a year now. So she doesn’t, and just sets her phone down and tries to focus on the movie. She’s aware of her grandma watching her, but she ignores it. It feels a lot like last year, only...she feels more lonely.

With each day, she feels as though she’s getting closer and closer to telling Alyssa how she feels. But, really, it’s too late now. Even if she did tell her, they wouldn’t have much time together. Emma knows there’s no way Alyssa’s mother would let her go to a college far from home, and Emma wants to get out as soon as she can. And she doesn’t know if they could handle a long distance relationship so early into the relationship.

She doesn’t want to push too far too soon. It’d be best if they just stayed as friends. It doesn’t take as much effort to stay as friends even over a long distance, surely. They’ll still be close friends, just separated by distance. 

So even if she does tell Alyssa, it may not end well. She’s had her chance to tell her sooner and she blew it. She’ll just have to deal with likely never being more than just friends with Alyssa. And, really, Emma’s dealt with that for this long. What’s the rest of her life?

She can’t lose Alyssa. She can’t lose her best friend. It would break her. It would break _Alyssa._ So she won’t let it happen. She won’t lose her. She _won’t._

She wonders if it’s already too late for that.

If it’ll happen anyway, no matter what she tries to do.

\---

There’s only one more semester left of high school, and then Alyssa is free. They’ll all be free.

And maybe she’ll be able to hang out with Emma without having to worry about her mom or Kaylee and Shelby. She can be free to be herself. They both could, without these stupid boundaries the school seems to have put on them. They can enjoy each other’s company without being afraid.

And maybe, maybe Alyssa could even…

Or maybe her mother would still be too controlling, even while she’s away at college. She doesn’t know. Well, she does, but she wishes she didn’t. She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be truly free. Will her mother let her just _live?_

She’s already basically being told which college to go to, and there’s no way her mother would let her major in anything other than law. 

She just wants freedom.

On the first day back to school after winter break, Alyssa walks through the hallway, Kaylee and Shelby on either side of her. They’re talking about something and Alyssa is mainly just listening, only interjecting occasionally. 

She looks to the side just in time to see Emma walking down the hall. Her head is down and she seems to be doing her best to avoid everyone’s gaze. But her gaze flickers up, briefly, just in time to catch Alyssa’s eyes. She smiles for a second before her gaze drops again. Alyssa finds herself smiling slightly in return.

She’s quick to bring her attention back to Kaylee and Shelby, not wanting to arouse suspicion. They didn’t seem to have noticed Emma. Or, if they did, they didn’t pay her any attention. Which was definitely for the best - most of the attention Emma seemed to get was negative. And she didn’t deserve any of it.

Alyssa wishes she could say something every time she witnessed it happen. It breaks her heart, hearing the things people say to her and seeing what they do to her locker. If only Alyssa could just speak up, but things could quickly backfire if she did so. 

And...okay, so she was a bit of a coward. She didn’t want a rumor - true as it may be - of her being gay to go around. Her mother would kill her, and everyone she knows would hate her.

Well, Emma wouldn’t hate her. Except she might get mad at her because she never _told_ Emma, even though she’s known for over a year now. She’s never told anyone. She’s never even said it out loud! 

She wishes she had the courage to tell someone. Even just telling Emma would be okay, surely. But every time she tries, there’s always something holding her back. A weight in her chest that causes her heartbeat to race, and her head goes lightheaded and for a moment, she fears she’ll pass out. 

It always passes, eventually, but it serves its purpose. She shouldn’t tell anyone. Things wouldn’t turn out well.

So she’ll keep her thoughts to herself. And one day...one day she’ll be away. Far, far away from this town, this state. And hopefully, then...she will be free.

\---

It’s a few days before Valentine’s Day, but all Emma can think about is a year ago. That time she nearly confessed to Alyssa. That time she made a choice, and...made the wrong one?

She constantly wonders if she had made the right choice. If she had chosen differently, had told Alyssa...where would they be now? Would she and Alyssa be together? Would she be free to kiss her? Or would it have to be contained in moments where they won’t be seen?

Either way, Emma decides it’d be worth it. She’d give anything to be able to be with Alyssa.

Well...almost anything. She wants to tell her, but she doesn’t want to lose everything. And now...now it’s too late. Their time is running out and her chances of being with Alyssa are becoming slim. Soon, they’ll go off to college. And Emma is getting out of Indiana, no matter what it takes.

These conflicting emotions leave her staring up at the ceiling in the dark of her room for hours on end when she should be sleeping. It makes her tired the next day, and she’s sure that Alyssa has noticed. But if she has, she hasn’t said anything, and there’s no way Emma’s going to tell her that she’s been having trouble sleeping.

And she’s especially _not_ going to tell her why. She can’t. For one, Alyssa doesn’t need to deal with that. She doesn’t need to deal with Emma’s problems. Even if she is related to them. Emma’s not going to burden her with that.

All she has to do is survive the end of this school year and maybe...maybe she’ll tell Alyssa about her crush. And hopefully, things will be fine. 

Or maybe it’ll just crash and burn.

Maybe it’s already too late.

\---

Alyssa sits on her bed, letters from the colleges she applied to spread out before her. She hasn’t opened a single one, wanting to wait until she had got them all before she did so. She’s not sure why, but she’s nervous. And, really, what reason does she have to be nervous? She’s very likely to be the valedictorian. Her grades were perfect - as her mom always made sure they were - so of course, she’d get into all the colleges she applied to. Right?

Slowly, she grabs the one nearest and opens it.

She’s been accepted.

She grabs the next one and repeats the process until all have been opened. She lets out a breath of relief. She got into all of them.

It’s not like it mattered, anyway. She got into the college she’s been looking into going the most. Indiana University, in Bloomington. It’s a few hours drive. Close enough that her mother approves but far enough away that she feels as though she’ll at least be able to breathe. 

Plus, she’s heard that IU is LGBT-friendly. And if she’s going to really feel like herself...she needs to go somewhere that is nothing like where is now. 

Alyssa grabs all of the letters, keeping the one from IU on top, and goes downstairs to where her mother is.

“Hey, mom. I got into all of the colleges I applied to.” She shows her the letters.

“Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do it.” Her mom smiles down at her, and Alyssa tries to ignore the way her chest clenches at that. She just smiles back. “Have you decided where you want to go yet?”

“Yeah. I’m thinking Indiana University,” she answers, a little nervously. What if her mother decided it was too far?

She purses her lips. “The one in Bloomington?” Alyssa nods, looking down at her feet. “Well, it is a little far, but it does have a good law program. And, of course, it’s still in Indiana. I’m sure you’ll do great there.”

Alyssa simply nods again before going back to her room. She lays down on the couch, staring at her ceiling, and wonders how she’s going to tell Emma.

\---

Emma is going to get out of Indiana as soon as she can.

She applied to a college in San Francisco - along with a few others, just in case - and her grandma said she would help with the funds.

And she got in.

She’s going to go there, no matter what it takes. She’s already started counting down the days until graduation. While everyone else is talking about prom, all Emma can focus on is the day she finally leaves this town.

One day, she and Alyssa are hanging out in her room. They’re working on some assignments in silence, the only sound being fingers tapping against a keyboard or pencil scratching on paper. It’s nice. Peaceful. But she has to break it because they have to talk about college at some point. They can’t avoid it forever.

“So,” she begins, voice already starting to trail off. She coughs as Alyssa looks at her. “I got into the college I want to go to.”

There’s a silence as Alyssa takes this in. And then, slowly, hesitatingly, she asks, “Which is…?”

“UC, Berkeley.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Emma echoes.

“I’m, uh...I’m going to IU,” Alyssa mumbles, looking down at her laptop.

“In Bloomington?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

“Oh,” Alyssa repeats, barely over a whisper. A silence settles in as they process the fact that they’re basically going to be on opposite sides of the country. 

“Ok.”

Alyssa doesn’t seem to know what to say to that, as after a few minutes of staring blankly at her laptop, she says she should leave. Emma watches as she puts her things away. She turns to Emma, and she’s shocked to see tears in her eyes. But before she can say anything, Alyssa is waving goodbye and leaving. And Emma is powerless to do anything but watch her go.

It occurs to her, then, that they don’t have a lot of time left together. In fact, it’s hardly any time at all. Only a few months, and then...when will they see each other next?

If she was ever going to tell Alyssa how she feels...It’s definitely too late now. It’s been too late for a while.

She turns back to her laptop and closes her eyes as tears of her own start to fall.

\---

With finals approaching, Alyssa finds her stress reaching levels that she doesn’t know how to deal with. She’s spending all her time studying and hardly even sees Emma. Her grades hardly even matter by this point. She’s far enough ahead of Shelby that she should keep the valedictorian status even if her grades slip a little, and the school year is very nearly over.

She’s also spending time on perfecting the speech she’ll have to give during graduation. It has to be absolutely _perfect._ So when she’s not studying, she’s working on that.

The only time she seems to be out of the house is during school and whenever Shelby and Kaylee manage to drag her out to spend time with them. She wishes she could sneak away during lunch to be with Emma like they used to, but her friends saw through her tutoring lie when they tried to find her in the library where others were tutoring and realized she wasn’t there. They tried to get her to tell them the truth, but Alyssa didn’t budge, and they eventually gave up.

So instead of being with Emma like she wants to, she finds herself feeling as though she’s drowning from the stress she’s under while listening to Kaylee and Shelby talk about how they can’t believe the school year is practically over. 

Sometimes, she and Emma will at least text each other. It’s not as good as being near each other physically, but right now it’s all they have. In fact...for a long time, it’ll be all they have. But it’s better than nothing, and she practically clings to it, to have this connection to Emma. It helps keep her head above the surface of the water. And seeing Emma’s name on the notifications from her phone always brings a smile to her face and helps her breathe again, just a little.

Just as long as she doesn’t think about what will happen only a couple of months from now. As long as she only focuses on the present and not the future, things will be fine. They have to be fine.

She won’t let them be anything other than fine. She can’t afford to. If she starts thinking too much then her chest will start hurting like it’s started to a lot lately. And then focusing gets harder, and she just wants to curl up into a ball on her bed and try to keep the tears at bay.

So she just needs to focus on the present, and everything will be fine.

\---

Graduation day has arrived. It’s finally come. And soon Emma will be done with this highschool and this entire town. She’ll go to California and be far away from these people. She’ll miss a few - two, exactly - but she just can’t stand to be here much longer.

She’ll come to visit her grandma a couple of times. Her grandma wouldn’t let her just disappear. And Alyssa...They’ll just have to text and maybe video chat whenever they get a chance. It’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. A little distance won’t separate them.

She won’t allow it and she knows Alyssa won’t allow it. 

Sitting here, now, at graduation and watching as Alyssa gives her speech - absolutely perfect, as to be expected from her - she decides she’s not going to let herself drift apart from perhaps the only good thing that has ever happened to her. 

She waits for the graduation ceremony to end. She glances over at Alyssa, a few rows in front of her. There are not many students in their graduating class, since it’s such a small school, so she doesn’t have to wait long.

And then finally it’s over and they’re being dismissed. It becomes chaos almost immediately, and Emma is able to duck in, find Alyssa, and take her away to where they’ll have a bit more privacy. She doesn’t think it matters much now anyway, but Emma is sure Alyssa’s mother will be looking for her. So she has to be quick.

She hugs Alyssa who practically melts into her embrace. They stare there for a few moments, just holding each other close. 

Emma is the first to pull away, and she brushes a curl away from Alyssa’s face. Alyssa smiles at her and Emma smiles back. They’ve already made some plans to hang out during summer break before they have to leave for college, but she knows it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough. She wants to spend the rest of her life with Alyssa. No matter how long they’ll be apart, Emma will make sure that she and Alyssa stay in each other’s lives.

Alyssa looks over her shoulder. “I should...get going. My mom is probably looking for me..,” her voice trails off as she fidgets, looking down at her shoes.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I’ll...see you next week?” Emma asks, taking a step back, still smiling at her.

“Yeah. Seeya then.” Alyssa turns, waving, before she heads out, jogging over to where she sees her mother looking around. Emma watches the two for a bit before walking over to her grandma, who immediately hugs her as soon as she sees her. Emma smiles as her grandma starts to ramble on about how proud she is of her. 

As they walk back to the car, Emma turns and sees Alyssa hugging Shelby and Kaylee, her mother smiling down at all three of them. Alyssa looks up, briefly, and meets Emma’s eyes. They smile at each other briefly before going their separate ways.

\---

Before she moves into her college dorm, she and Emma spend as much time together as they possibly can. They hardly ever seem to be apart. And, sure, Alyssa still has a crush on Emma. But that’s okay. Maybe after she’s spent some time away from her mom, in college, she’ll get the courage to tell Emma. If they still stay close, of course.

And she’s sure they will. Neither of them is going to let them drift apart. She jokingly tells Emma one time that she’s stuck with her. Emma just laughed and said she’d want nothing less.

As soon as she’s moved into her dorm room, she calls Emma who is still heading to her own college. The two talk about how nervous they are, but also how excited they are. Alyssa’s roommate walks in while she’s still on the phone with Emma, so she quickly hangs up with a promise to call her again later and turns to greet the person she’s going to spend the next 10 months with. 

She introduces herself as Liana. She seems nice, which is all she could really hope for. As she finishes setting her stuff up, Alyssa starts texting Emma, who has finally arrived at her own dorm. The two text for a bit until Emma stops, and she assumes she’s likely setting up her own room.

So Alyssa turns to Liana who appears to be done. She’s not really sure what to do now. She said goodbye to her mom earlier, and Liana seems to have done the same with her parents, so now they’re just in there together, with no one else. And Alyssa has no idea what to say, or if she should even say anything.

“Who were you on the phone with earlier?”

The question startles her, and she looks at her phone briefly before turning back to Liana. “Um, my best friend. Emma. She went to a different college, so…”

“That’s cool. My best friend is going to a different college too. She’s not far though, only about an hour. What about you?”

“She’s...quite a ways away. She went to California.” Alyssa scratches the back of her head. She hadn’t really processed just how far away Emma is now. 

“Damn, that’s far. Kudos to you two though, staying friends even when you’re so far away.” Liana smiles at her, and Alyssa smiles back. She and Emma will manage it. Of course they will.

Throughout her time at college, she and Emma still talk a lot. And Alyssa talks about Emma as much as she possibly can, always mentioning something Emma had told her the day before, or even something she told her months ago. They video chat every day. As the semester progresses and the workload gets tougher and tougher, they start to do so less and less. They still do it a lot - a few times a week at least - but not as much as they used to.

As they get closer and closer to finals, the amount of times they do it lessens even further. They’re both busy studying, making sure they get the best possible grades. Alyssa hates her law class and has to work a little harder in it to do as well as she can. Her psychology class, on the other hand, has become her favorite. She does well on all of the tests and finds herself looking forward to going to that class, even if it is early in the morning.

She and Liana have also gotten closer and now have gotten a small group of friends that they’ll sometimes study with or just spend some time together. 

Finals pass and Alyssa and Emma still don’t talk as much as they used to. They still do, of course, just not at any possible moment like they used to. They used to at least talk a few times a day, while waiting for class to start or before going to bed. But now they’re lucky if they manage to talk at all every few days. She hardly has any time to think about it, though. 

She’s sucked into the college life, spending time with her roommate and their friends. She joined the LGBT club, and she’s never felt more like herself. There’s even someone who reminds her of Emma. Short, messy blonde hair and kind brown eyes that sparkle as she talks about something she’s excited about. 

It’s been about a month since the last time they talked, and Alyssa wonders if she should send Emma a text. Or if Emma would text her. Was she constantly busy, too? Or was she waiting for Alyssa to text her first?

She takes her phone out and opens up the texting app, going to Emma’s name. She’s interrupted by an incoming text though, and she quickly taps on that and sees it’s from the girl who reminds her of Emma. She smiles, almost without realizing it, and quickly responds.

The two continue texting and Alyssa forgets about texting Emma. She forgets about the blonde-haired girl who originally stole her heart.

She spends a lot more time with the girl. She doesn’t remind her of Emma, not anymore. She’s her own person with her own passions and habits. And Alyssa finds herself completely enraptured. As she leans in, she’s not sure if she could stop herself if she even tried.

As she kisses the girl in front of her, the girl that used to remind her of Emma but no longer does, she no longer thinks of the girl she once knew. 

She just thinks of this one, and how soft her lips are, and she runs her fingers through her hair and holds her closer. 

All she needs, all she’s ever needed, is now just right in front of her. And she doesn’t need anything else. 

\---

Emma spends as much time with Alyssa as she possibly can before she has to leave for college. She still has a crush on Alyssa, but one day she’ll tell her. She’ll make sure of it. And if Alyssa doesn’t feel the same way, then that’s fine. And if she does...then maybe they can attempt a long distance relationship. And it’ll be great.

She just has to tell her. And she’ll do it. Just like she’ll make sure that she and Alyssa never stop talking. 

She goes to college, talking with Alyssa on the way, and once she gets there she’s quick to get settled in. Her roommate seems nice, but she also seems like someone who keeps mostly to herself. Which Emma is fine with. It might make things a little awkward, but she’ll just have to manage.

She’s a few weeks into college, and things are going great. She and Alyssa still talk a lot, whenever possible. She’s pretty sure she annoys her roommate with how often she’s talking to Alyssa, so she tries to do it mainly when her roommate isn’t there. Which seems to only be whenever she’s in class or studying in the library. 

Emma starts to meet more and more people, and she joins the LGBT club at the college. She quickly becomes close to the people there and makes some friends. She always excitedly tells them about Alyssa, though she never mentions the crush she has on her best friend. She doesn’t think she needs to. They seem to already know judging from the looks and smiles that get shared whenever she mentions Alyssa.

As finals start to approach, she talks to Alyssa less and less. But she doesn’t think much of it. It’s a stressful time of year, and everyone is focusing on studying. They don’t go back to talking as much as they used to as finals pass, but she doesn’t mind. They’re both busy. They’re still talking, so she’s still keeping her promise to herself.

She visits Edgewater for winter break, though she only spends time with her grandma. Alyssa told her she was going to be busy the entire break, as her mother told her they were going to be visiting family. Emma was a little disappointed that they still wouldn’t be able to spend Christmas together, but she knew that one year they would. They just had to wait for that time to come.

As the year progresses, they talk less and less. And still, Emma doesn’t think much of it. She spends more time with her group of friends and finds herself almost forgetting about Alyssa. She jokes around with her friend and doesn’t mention something Alyssa said the other day anymore. If they notice, they never mention it.

By the time her first year ends, she and Alyssa haven’t talked in months. And Emma thinks about her less and less as she tries to forget everything about Edgewater except for what’s important.


End file.
